When Relationships Fail

Our first instinct might be to assume these are someone else’s failings, but we’d be blinding ourselves to what long-established wisdom makes clear: Such behaviors are common to all people. Positive qualities certainly exist, but they often coexist with our flaws. For example, we can be compassionate to some and hostile to others at the same time.

This mixture of good and bad isn’t new. In a “sin list” from the first century, we find many familiar social evils—and their antidote. The audience for this “wisdom talk” was a group of people in the ancient Roman province of Galatia. That’s pretty remote from our time. But what the apostle Paul had to say then still rings true, because his words describe the human condition across time. They have universal application.

Following a catalog of sexual and religious sins, Paul includes a list of social evils: “hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies [or “wild parties”] and the like” (Galatians 5:19–21, New International Version); some translations also include murder (Galatians 5:20, New King James Version).

These characteristics signaled failed relationships two thousand years ago. Let’s see how they play out today.

Hatred and Discord

Hatred of groups with different beliefs, customs, religion, race, color, ethnicity, gender or political affiliation is rampant in many nations. In countries that protect freedom of speech, hatred may more easily spill over into hate speech and hate crimes. But the Internet and social media provide powerful platforms that amplify and spread such antagonisms everywhere. Political rhetoric, economic insecurity and a loss of trust in institutions pave the way for the expression of extremist views that pit one group against another and empower hatred.

In the United States, the FBI has reported an increase in hate crimes for several consecutive years, beginning in 2016. These increases escalated from 2020 to 2023, especially against Asian-Americans (during the COVID-19 pandemic), Jewish communities, Black Americans and LGBTQ+ individuals.

The OSCE Office for Democratic Institutions and Human Rights collects annual data from 57 states in Europe, Eurasia and North America, of which 47 submitted data for the 2024 report. It calculated that 12,714 hate crimes had been reported, though many more go unreported each year. Data from the previous year showed that almost half of all hate crimes were anti-Semitic, and about one-third were racist and xenophobic. Acts associated with anti-Semitic and anti-Muslim hatred spiked after the October 2023 Hamas attack and Israel’s response.

“Many incidents took place in locations that victims cannot avoid, such as at home, school, work and on public transport. In some cases, the perpetrators were persons in a position of authority, such as teachers, managers and landlords.”

Does this deep-seated hatred account for much of the violence we hear about daily? The answer appears to be yes.

Second on the apostle’s list is discordant or contentious behavior, resulting from hatred of other groups. The natural mind is prone to falling into conflict or strife with those who are different. Like hate crimes, hate speech—the verbal abuse of any group whose identity is based on differences—frequently goes unreported in official statistics. Contention of this kind produces conflict, a hostile environment and escalating cycles of tension.

Verbal abuse isn’t limited to group identity differences, though. It is unfortunately all too common on a personal level. In intimate relationships, 25 to 40 percent of adults report such aggression. As for families, sibling verbal abuse is common but underrecognized, and about 50 percent of children report verbally abusive parents. In the workplace, 30 to 40 percent of workers report experiencing hostile communication.

Once again, the Internet amplifies the problem: 40 to 50 percent of users have experienced online abuse, with young people—particularly young women—being especially affected.

Verbal abuse is likely underreported due to normalization, shame, fear, a lack of support and the subtlety of gaslighting, where the abused are manipulated into doubting their own perceptions and memories, thereby empowering the manipulator.

Jealousy, Envy and Selfish Ambition

The next items on the list operate more subtly but prove equally destructive.

Jealousy can find expression in many ways, including in interpersonal, social and professional settings. It springs from a self-centered view of life, coupled with a sense of inadequacy in comparison with others and the desire to compensate.

In relationship counseling sessions, clients commonly cite jealousy as a factor in their distress. For example, one partner may monitor the other’s social media contacts, track their locations, or limit and control their interaction with others.

Socially, a jealous person may show resentment of another’s success by offering insincere compliments. In some individuals, a subtle form of jealousy shows itself in social anxiety over FOMO (fear of missing out) on what others are experiencing or enjoying. This is exaggerated by social media’s promotion of selected highlights of people’s lives, by push notifications and real-time updates that create insecurity in those who fall into making negative comparisons.

On the professional level, a jealous person may undermine a colleague’s success, falsely claim credit for others’ work, withhold advancement from another, or become overly competitive.

All in all, what Shakespeare’s Othello names “the green-eyed monster” really does “mock the meat it feeds on.” In other words, jealousy can destroy the very thing it’s trying to protect. And it often results in the next human failing Paul identifies: angry outbursts or fits of rage.

Envy, yet another characteristic on the list, differs from jealousy. Envy involves more than just resentment; it involves a sense of ill will over what others have. While the fire of jealousy may lead to outbursts of anger, envy’s cooler temperature may lead to premeditated murder (the ninth sin in an alternate version of the list).

Matthew’s Gospel records history’s most well-known murder of the innocent: Because of envy, Christ’s enemies handed Him over to the Romans for crucifixion.

“The governor [Pilate] was accustomed to releasing to the multitude one prisoner whom they wished. And . . . Pilate said to them, ‘Whom do you want me to release to you? [The notorious prisoner] Barabbas, or Jesus who is called Christ?’ For he knew that they had handed Him over because of envy.”

Selfish ambition, which also appears in this section of the list, is another damaging human trait, often connected to jealousy and envy. Roman honor culture promoted competition for military roles, social prestige and status, and it was regarded as virtuous. But the partisan spirit underlying such competition did not foster the common good.

In our time, selfish ambition is on display in all walks of life, from the corporate world to church hierarchies to political parties and all branches of government. The humble leader with a serving, selfless mentality is scarce. The partisan spirit that undermined the common good in Roman times produces similar results today, leading to dissensions and factionalism when people argue over political issues and personalities. It produces rivalry, division and hostility. Factionalism may account in large part for our inability to solve social problems. When people retreat into ideological bunkers, moderate discussion becomes a practical impossibility.

The Cost of Alcohol Misuse

The final general category of human failings on Paul’s extended list are two sins related to alcohol misuse—drunkenness and binge parties. According to Roman authors of the time, heavy drinking was commonplace at banquets and festivals. The winter Saturnalia festival, for example, was an occasion when people of all classes engaged in heavy drinking.

Today, excessive alcohol consumption and alcoholism are social curses. In the United States alone, the human cost of drunkenness is huge, with more than 178,000 alcohol-related deaths occurring each year. Liver disease, heart issues, cancer, suicide and accidents are all connected to heavy alcohol consumption. Approximately 40 percent of violent crimes, including sexual assault and domestic violence, also involve alcohol.

Children who witness chronic alcohol abuse by their parents experience higher levels of emotional trauma, physical harm, financial instability and addiction; often they perpetuate intergenerational cycles of harm.

From this brief survey of first-century social evils, we can see that not much has changed over the centuries. Human nature remains constant.

Next time, we’ll look at Paul’s antidote to his lengthy sin list. Spiritual in nature, it shows how the downsides of human nature can be successfully replaced.